“D O NOT EXASPERATE your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

In Colossians, a similar verse: “Don’t embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Putting those two verses together, you get something like this: “Do not provoke your children to anger lest they become discouraged, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

The verses read “fathers” but it is to all parents. And children can be young or adult children as well. Of course children of any age can get angry for no good reason. But there are times when parents exasperate them. What is exasperate? Let me tell a story.

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THERE’S THE STORY of a hospital where a patient knocked over a cup of water, which spilled on the floor beside the patient’s bed. The patient was afraid he might fall if he got out of the bed. He asked a nurse’s aide to mop it up. The hospital policy said that small spills were the responsibility of the nurse’s aides while large spills were to be mopped up by housekeeping. The nurse’s aide decided the spill was a large one and she called housekeeping. A housekeeper arrived and declared the spill a small one. An argument followed. “It’s not my responsibility,” said the nurse’s aide, “because it’s a large puddle.” “Well, it’s not mine,” said the housekeeper, “the puddle is too small.”

The exasperated patient listened for a time, then took a pitcher of water from his night table and poured the whole thing on the floor. “Is that a big enough puddle now for you two to decide?” he asked.

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“DO NOT EXASPERATE your children lest they become discouraged. But bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” These two words are key: discipline and instruction. Do not beat down, but raise up. Do not provoke with impatience and injustice, but instead shepherd with nurture and tenderness. What does this look like?

►Let’s start with discouragement. “Don’t embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” A discouraged child is has lost heart. She is so beaten down that she has lost hope. He has lost motivation. They don’t care anymore. One Bible translation states, “lest your child get discouraged and quit trying.” Maybe your demands are arbitrary or unfair. Maybe the child is never complimented or encouraged. If he is always told what is wrong with him and never what is right, he will become convinced that he’s not able to do anything right. So why bother to try. One adult man summed up his frustration, “I don’t care what it is I do, it never satisfies my father.”

You can always find something that a child genuinely does well. Show appreciation for it. Encourage your children, grandchildren, the church’s children. Give them confidence, and hope. Support them so they will do or continue to do something positive.

►Then there’s overprotection. There are helicopter parents, free-range parents, Tiger mothers, elephant parents. I learned a new label this week — lawnmower parents — parents who “mow down all of children’s challenges, discomforts and struggles.”

Here are some snippets of lawnmower-parent stories from school teachers:

■ The parent of a high-school student asked a teacher to walk a student to class to make sure the student got to class on time.

■ a parent requested someone from the cafeteria blow on their child’s too-hot lunch to cool it down. (USA Today, Sept. 19, 2018, online)

When parents repeatedly try to eliminate any and all struggles, the result is ill-equipped adults. Children need careful guidance and certain restrictions, but they must learn to make decisions on their own, appropriate with their age and maturity. Wisely protect without fearfully sheltering. Let them blow on their own lunch. Help them understand the cost of waiting until the last minute to do a project. Allow them to feel the pain of buying more on credit than they can afford.

►Another source of embitterment — children feeling unwanted. Like they are an intrusion. Make them feel they’re in the way and you’d be happier if they weren’t around. Sadly, those same parents may later become an intrusion on the children’s plans and happiness. (Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” song)

Related to that is favoritism. Isaac favored Esau over Jacob. Rebekah preferred Jacob over Esau. That conflicting favoritism not only caused great trouble for the immediate family also between the descendants of Jacob and Esau. For parents to compare their children with each other can be devastating to the child who is less talented or favored. He will tend to become discouraged and bitter.

Give time and attention to your children. Raise them with kindness and discipline. Treat them with fairness. We always told Heather and Pate that we would treat them fairly, not equally. Because one got a new pair of shoes doesn’t mean the other will at the same time. But their time will come.

►Using love as a tool of reward or punishment. Much of the advice we are given amounts to conditional parenting — turn up the affection when they’re good, withhold affection when they’re not. Dr Phil in his book Family First (Free Press, 2004) says “one of the most powerful currencies for a child is the parents’ acceptance and approval.” He goes on to say, therefore, use acceptance and approval as a means of getting your children to do what you want.

If you remember “Supernanny,” in her book of the same name (Hyperion, 2005), she says, “The best rewards are attention, praise and love,” and these should be withheld “when the child behaves badly until she says she is sorry.” Studies show that children who receive conditional approval are somewhat more likely to act as the parent wants. But compliance comes at a steep price. These children tend to resent and dislike their parents.

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MORE THAN 50 YEARS AGO, the psychologist Carl Rogers suggested that simply loving our children isn’t enough. We have to love them unconditionally, he said — for who they are, not for what they do.

More than 2,000 years ago, Paul called on Christians do not provoke your children to anger lest they become discouraged. But bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

It’s hard work being a parent. It’s hard work being a child.